Your Horrorscope Is Here to Scare the Crap Out of You!

By Ellen Ricks

On October 30, 2018

In Astrology

Your Horrorscope Is Here to Scare the Crap Out of You!

It’s that time of year again! Goblins and vampires and ghosts-oh my! Everyone loves a good scare, but what’s your worst nightmare? Well, your zodiac sign may have an answer for that.

What exciting new developments will unfold over the next 12 months?

Below are twelve spine-chilling situations that would leave your specific zodiac sign in utter terror. While there is no bloodbaths or massacres on this list, you may want to read with the lights on.  

Read on, if you dare. 

Aries (March 21–April 19)

Imagine you’re in a Facebook argument and you know the other person is wrong. Of course they are, you’re always right. You really get into it, only to have them come back with their own research. Turns out, you were completely and utterly WRONG. What?!?! This has never happened to you before; you can’t even pronounce the word “wrong”! Now everyone on Facebook knows your shame. And they’re all talking about just how wrong you are!! What do you do? Own up to it, or delete your Facebook and move into a remote cabin in the woods with no people or wifi!? We all know it’s the latter, Aries. SpoOOOoooOOOooky!

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

You have just quit your job, and you have zero dollars and zero cents in your bank account. You decide to start a small business without doing any research. You are fairly sure what the next “big thing” is, and you’ll worry about what happens if it doesn’t work out later. You are also thinking about going sky-diving. Bwa ha ha ha ha! Okay, breathe, Taurus—it isn’t real! You still have your steady job, money in the bank, and you would never jump out of a perfectly good plane. It was all a dream. (OR WAS IT!?)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Gemini, you wake up in the morning, 6 a.m. sharp like you do every morning! You take the same route that you take every day to get to your job at 9 a.m. on the dot. You sit in your little cubicle and do your work on time, and then you go home at 5 p.m., taking the same route as always. You make dinner, watch a little TV, and go to bed by 10 p.m. Does that make your skin crawl? A gasp of horror? I know, it’s TRULY terrifying!!! (Don’t worry Gemini, you’ll never let yourself fall into a rut, it’s not in your nature!)

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Imagine waking up one morning all alone. There’s no one in the house, you’re not dating anyone—you’re not even on Tinder. In fact, you don’t have anyone on your phone’s contact list, and you aren’t on social media—even, GASP, Facebook! You’re surrounded by strangers all the time, but you feel like the loneliest person in the world. Sob. (You might want to make plans with people after reading this, Cancer! I’m sorry it was so scary!)

Leo (July 23-August 22)

You’re having the worst day, Leo. You thought being bitten by a radioactive spider would give you cool superpowers like flight or telekinesis, but instead, it gave you the worst superpower ever: Invisibility. Not only are you permanently invisible, no one can hear you! Not your family, friends, or even your pet! You’ve tried everything: Shouting, singing, tap dancing. Even your one-person marching band hasn’t gotten anyone’s attention. Now no once can hear you roar—FOREVER!!!

Virgo (August 23-September 22)

Oh no, Virgo! Someone has broken into your house and moved all of your stuff! All your papers have been scattered around your room and are not in their correct color-coordinated folder. Someone deleted ALL your emails. Your scissors have been moved to the wrong drawer, and—where on earth are you special pens? The really nice ones? It’s going to take you weeks to organize this mess! Deep breaths, Virgo; it didn’t actually happen, this is just an article. (But you should go double-check all of your stuff, just in case!)

Libra (September 23-October 22)

Everyone wants you to make a decision. Major life choices that you can’t change your mind about later. What’s your career? Who will you marry? Will you have children? You have to decide RIGHT THIS SECOND. You are a sign of balance, picking out what to have for lunch gives you a mild panic attack. How can you make a major life decision in a second? True torture is deciding, and you are truly in a very dark place. BOO!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)

You just met a new love interest on a dating app. They’re really cute, funny, smart…but there’s a catch: They won’t stop texting you! Every five minutes your phone buzzes with a new message, and even worse, the message is trying to get you to open up about yourself! They want to know your favorite color—uh, sorry, it’s a little soon to get this personal, don’t you think!? Uh oh. The phone rings, and it’s…THEM! They’re asking you out for coffee when you just saw them a week ago! Where is the mystery? And wait, did they just say they love… cuddling? Ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)

You get on an elevator and press the button to your desired floor. Halfway to your destination, everything stops. The elevator is stuck! You have no cell service and the maintenance person doesn’t know when it’ll be fixed, especially since he’s going out to lunch! You’re trapped in this small elevator that feels like it’s getting smaller by the second. There’s no fresh air, nowhere to go. Maybe next time, you’ll take the stairs.  

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

Welcome back to everyone’s collectively hated time period: The 10th grade!  You’re sitting at your desk about to take the most important test of your life. This test will decide what college you get into, what job you’ll get, and how much money you will make in your life. But you studied, right? You got this! The test is graded the second after you hand it in and…you got every question wrong. NOOOOOOOOO!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)

You check your Twitter one day to see that the government has passed a new law: All citizens are required to wear gray boring uniforms. You have to match with everyone else—and, gasp, there’s no color! Everyone must have the same, government regulated haircut, and have the same boring routine, every single day. You’ve always been interested in dystopian novels, Aquarius, but living in one is a different—and much more terrifying—story.  

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 

Congratulations Pisces! You’ve just been promoted to the head of your company. You’re now responsible for everything that happens. It’s all on you, so if something goes wrong, it’s all your fault! You have so many people to take care of, and so many jobs are at stake. Everyone is counting on you! You contemplate starting over in a new state with a new name—and zero responsibility.  

Photo: @s_madeleine_2006 via Twenty20

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