Single on V-Day? Alexandra Roxo shares why this can be a good—no, great—thing. Originally published on January 26.
Okay so Valentine’s Day is here. And even if you’re hella anarchist and non commercial (like me!) chances are that if you grew up in the USA you have conditioning and programming around the chocolate covered plastic pink wrapped holiday.
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I remember my first V Day in middle school where multiple boys brought me roses. Like WTF?! When I was literally 13! I wore cork wedge platforms and crop tops (which I often got in trouble for in school ) and somehow would juggle juuuust enough boys to always be adored and adorned. I remember the battle between two of the boys on that V Day—both named Chris actually.
The year before it was two different boys—another Chris! A skater type who sang me Nine Inch Nails, and a baseball player who was so sweet and would write me love notes that are literally sitting in an EPIC box in my moms storage unit in Georgia.
Cut to age 33. I am single. After my last long term relationship I moved across the country, adapted and expanded my career, got financially stable, and have been focused on healing, growth, business and transitioning from the madness of my Saturns Return years into my early 30’s and living a life that feels most aligned with ME. That vast upleveling and growth and transformation and building of a new foundation could not happen while in a relationship. Now the tides have turned and I’m ready … but I am also just genuinely in love with my life and everything around me. So “single” does not feel fitting AT ALL.
I honestly HATE the word single. It implies a LACK of something. And it implies that if you aren’t in a partnership you aren’t whole in some way.
I like to think we can redefine and reclaim that status in a non patriarchal non religious based way. Because let’s face it—knowing if someone is “single” or not ties into old school traditional ways of viewing relationships and love and sex.
What if we said instead “I’m currently in love with my book writing!” Or “I’m loving my besties so hard right now.” Because chances are you are deeply loving MANY things in your life with or without a romantic thing! When we define ourselves based on LACK we set ourselves up for SUFFERING PAIN ANXIETY DEPRESSION!
So here’s a basic HOW TO SWAP YOUR “SINGLE” status FOR “IN LOVE WITH SO MANY OTHER THINGS” and feel really good. Most of the time.
1. YOUR WORDS CREATE YOUR REALITY
SO Stop complaining. Change your WHOLE vocab around dating, sex and love. No more “Honestly there are just no good men in X.” (Swap X for your city.) Or the one I hear SO often “Gosh dating in LA is so hard!” New Yorkers say the same. Small towners say the same. Your language CREATES your reality. So just STOP complaining and bitching and moaning. ESpecially over drinks. We gotta stop recreating Sex and the City eps—as fun as they are to recreate.
2. RECLAIM YOUR SOLO SEX PRACTICE
Now this is can be SUPER hard. It gets old to not have two to four loving hands caressing your body. BUT! If you are walking around horny all the time and unfulfilled you will be like a starving animal on the prowl. So take your masturbation practice up a notch. No more ‘lazy vibrator in sweats to an old porn’ nights. Put on lingerie. Burn a candle. Buy some new toys. Explore something new on your own. Buy some erotica to read in the tub. Go to a ropes class. Take back your sexual power instead of waiting for someone to enter your life and get you off. Yes its not the same. BUT! You are going to feel so yummy and juicy if you start this process. Folks gonna tooooootally look at your different in Whole Foods. Trust me.
3. GO DEEP INTO MAKING YOUR LIFE AS GOOD AS IT GET AND GET CLEAR!
Any moment you may meet your Baby Daddy or Baby Mama. Like, any moment is a possibility for that connection and intersection. But if your head is hung low in a depressed hole of misery how will that lover see you!? Stay in your BEST SELF! And use this time to play, enjoy your freedom, and define what you want in a relationship. Many times we “think” we know what we want, and then someone comes and we’re all googoo gaga for them and wake up 6 months later like “whoops our values are not aligned” because we didn’t define and clarify what we wanted. So take this time to dial in your business, develop your spiritual practice, get your solo sexy on, get into the best shape, take that trip you’ve always wanted to take, read all the books, and also get clear on your desires.
It’s up to us to redefine the paradigm and take our power back to feel worthy and loved even when we are not in a LTR. It’s like waiting to be happy until you are millionaire. Why wait? Some of the poorest cultures are the most happy statistically. It’s up to you to claim your happiness, sexuality, well being, and live a rich life—with ot without a partner. That’s the moment they always say they come anyway. When you least expect it and don’t give a f*ck. But of course that’s not what we’re going for. We are just enjoying being juicy, free, and in love with life.
Header photo by Caitlin Mitchell
Read more of Alexandra Roxo’s juicy, soul-searching wisdom here:
What Color is Your Sexual Aura? Find Out for the Best Sex of Your Life
Is Sign Compatibility BS or Essential?
Here’s Why May-December Romances Are Better than Therapy
Conscious Touch is the New Sex
This Fall in Love Technique Sounds Crazy, but it Works